Hey guys, I hope your week is going great and your knocking off things on your to do list. Today’s blog is a bit different. I want to share a bit about myself. Today is my fathers anniversary of his passing. I know losing a loved one can be very difficult so I would like to share what has helped me cope.
When I was 16 years of age my father got very ill and he left to Mexico. The doctors showed no enthusiasm for my father’s heath. As a matter fact he kept getting worse. My mother, sister and I had no choice but to leave to Mexico. As I arrived in Mexico the first thing we did was head to my grandparent’s house, my father would be arriving there soon after. The doctors said there was no hope. It was just a matter of time. As my father arrived he was walking but my uncles were holding him. He was so weak he couldn’t walk on his own. I was the first one at the door. My father looked at me, unrecognizable, thin and with pain in his eyes, he threw himself on me. He couldn’t walk anymore. He whispered in my ear “hay mija” (oh baby). I could tell he was reaching the end but didn’t say anything. A couple of weeks passed. The day after his birthday late into the night, he began to agonize. I will never forget this. He moaned as his body slowly died. I begged him to stay. I said, “Please don’t go. I need you.” I put so much energy into begging him to stay I think I lost it a bit. I didn’t see him anymore. All I saw was a twilight zone. I could see myself reaching for his hand. I wanted him to come back! I just wanted him to grab my hand and come back! But he didn’t. He was gone.
Now writing this is not easy. I shed some tears as I wrote this. But the pain is much better now than it was 12 years ago. It is part of who I am. And that will never change. It won’t for you either. But the pain will get better. So why is death so painful? I believe it is painful because death is viewed as an end. It’s the end of their life. It is the end of the relationship and dynamic you had with them. It is the end of the comfort they provided for you. The truth is that it is the beginning of their next chapter. Whether you believe in heaven or reencarnation. They will be resting in peace. I want to provide you with points of view that have helped me deal with my father’s absence
1) Take your time
Take your time, face reality one step at a time. After my father died I spent one whole year in denial. I had watched my father agonize to death and to face reality that I now was father less, home less (because we lived in the United States and now had to move to Mexico ), and having to start a new life in a country that I knew so little of, I didn’t really know how to deal with it. I wish I had known what I know now. Living in denial is not healthy but easing to reality is. Ease into things, take it one thing at a time.
2) Allow people to distract you
Allowing people to take you out. Or tell you a joke. Or just having a conversation about nothing is a healthy thing. Understand they mean well and they don’t do it because they undermine your pain but rather because they know it’s a great one.
3) Remember the good times
Think of things that you loved about them. The jokes they told you. Even the things you didn’t. Even those will seem funny. My father gave the guys I even glanced at a hard time. I use to hate that. I now think about it and laugh.
4) Forgive them and forgive yourself for things unsaid
Sometimes losing someone that you had unfinished business with can be even more painful. You give yourself a hard time for not taking the time to reach out. Or maybe you said something you wish you hadn’t. Forgive yourself and forgive them. Close your eyes and talk. Tell them how you felt. Tell them you are sorry. Tell them you forgive them. It will be good therapy.
5) They can still watch over you
Yes you will not be able to see them in flesh and bones anymore but they will still be there. When you have your first big career break. When you get married, when you have kids. They will be there. Smiling.
6) Keep their spirit alive
Talk about them. Make sure the generations after you know who they were. How amazing they were and important they were to you.
7) Knowing they will be in a better place
This is more for the people that have lost someone with a health problem. They were in pain and now they will not be. That’s a good thing. Living in pain is no way to live.
8) Things will get better
If you have been through the loss of a loved one comment down below what has helped you cope.
“Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies: and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.”