This blog is dedicated to the million immigrants in the U.S who have to live in the shadows in fear of getting deported. Also, to my beautiful daughter Janelle, baby girl you mean the world to me, you saved my life.
As I ran as fast as could, my breath was almost running out. Tears began to slide down my cheek. I could feel the cold breeze, the only beautiful thing I had felt in days. I thought to myself ” Almost there, you are almost free.” I just wanted the noise in my head to be silenced. I wanted the pain of my thoughts and memories to stop. My life had become this black whole I couldn’t get out of. Constantly wondering how someone so lonely could feel so crowded. I couldn’t breath, always gasping for air, the voices that told me I was worthless, unwanted, not worthy of love, of a future, a fool, a criminal, always wanted to suffocate me. They wanted to overpower my desire to keep fighting. All those voices and the uncertainty of my future. I couldn’t bare it anymore!
I looked to my left, I could see a cross far away as the sunset was fading. I closed my eyes, “God, forgive me, but I can no longer do this.” I reached the edge. I looked out to a world that was so busy to notice I was hurting, and wouldn’t miss me. As I was about to take a step closer to the edge I heard his voice. ” Lets go back, its getting dark.” I quickly wiped my tears, turned around with my head down so he wouldn’t notice I was crying, not that he cared.
I can’t remember how many times I fantasized about running straight through to the abyss.
I think what kept me alive that day was the fact I was more afraid of him than my pain. That ride home from our usual run on that mountain was quiet. I felt numb inside, dead. I leaned my head to the window, just watching as cars passed by. I would look at people in their cars and wonder how they could be so happy. I had no friends, I had pushed them all way, ashamed of what my life had become. Laughs had become so unfamiliar. What did become familiar was the salty taste of my tears. I could feel them as they traveled, heavy down my face, my only warmth. Life no longer had true sound, color, or smell, It just was.
I had hit rock bottom.
About two years after my time in jail , I was still fighting my deportation. No one was willing to represent me. So many noes, they all thought I had no case. I had two option, leave or get married. At the same time I was fighting for justice from a lawyer that lied, took my money. and ran. And now I was in a home where I was seeing a lot of pain and betrayal. I missed my home, the warmth of my bed. I missed my family.
Court after court, betrayal after betrayal. I felt like my life was falling apart. Most of my time that year was spent in two places, in the backyard drowning my pain in alcohol. Or on my bathroom floor trying to find ways to release my pain. That pain of sadness was like lava running down my veins. I felt it slowly burn through my veins, I just wanted the pain out of me!
To say I lived a double life is an understatement. One side of me, the public side was such a happy person, I was gentle, perky, and most importantly I was legal. At least that’s what my boss thought. The other, was a broken girl that felt so alone, scared, ashamed, an alcoholic, isolated from the world.
I didn’t want to live a double life anymore! And I didn’t want the world to hate me. I wanted to close my eyes, go to sleep and never wake up. The constant ” no, I can’t represent you” ” you have no case” ” ill get you deported” ” your easy!” ” I don’t want you” ”I won’t do it again, I promise” ”Who are they going to believe? A U.S citizen, or you?!” ”She is just a friend” ”You are suffocating me!”
I felt powerless, I couldn’t speak up, ”they won’t believe me and just deport me, ” I thought. My fear and necessity to be in this country surpressed any desire to fight back. So I took it, over and over again. Every rejection felt like a stab in my chest. The pain would slowly spread through my whole body. Slowly and painfully, and I would cumble.
I took it, until I couldn’t no more.
I wanted to end it all! My second attempt was after another betrayal. Crushed I locked myself in my bathroom, music as loud as possible so no one could hear me sob. I sat in the tub in the darkness.
Trying to ask God why he had abondened me. ” Porque diocito, no me abandones” (why God, don’t abonden me) I think what I wanted was a sign of hope. A sign he still loved me. God didn’t answer. All I saw was darkness. The pain running through my veins was making my veins burn! I couldn’t breath, all I did was rock back and forth from the pain as tears poured. I released the pain, and finally took a deep breath. The water in my tub felt warm now. I put my head under water. As I slid down I could taste a little bit of my blood. The music was no longer heard. I heard silence, and I closed my eyes. Everything was slowly fading…
A big bang on the door woke me up! ” Are you okay mija?!” My head erupted out of the water and I coughed to clear my throat. ” I’m okay!” God saved me! As I sat there realizing what I was trying to do, I cried ” I’m so sorry, I’m sorry diocito!” It was as if I woke up from a nightmare. God was sending me a sign I needed to live.
Days later I found out I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter. That’s the day I was given purpose, a miracle. Life slowly began to gain color and reason. To be honest, part of me knew days before I was pregnant, I could feel it. I think God wanted me to accept I was. My little girl changed my life. She will forever be my little miracle.
I share this story with you because if you are right now on your bathroom floor. If you are right now hoping it will all end. I want you to hold on. God hasn’t forgotten about you. Because if God could save me, he can save you too.
… Remember, you can do this…
Written by: Lupita G.